Meh....

Who holds the holder...

I've titled this one the biggest lie I've never told...

(Bad British Accent)
Picture a warm, sunny central California Valentine's Day. I was driving with my sweetie at the time (yes ladies, I'm single). I had planned a nice romantic dinner at the Red Lobster (love the biscuits). I had picked up... we'll call her Jen (that was her name) and was headed to Stockton Ca where the said sexy interlude was to take place. I had decided to take a scenic route, mostly due to traffic conditions on the 5.

As drove through the rolling plains of Lodi California, we would have to pass through a semi-industrial type area. As we drove, she kept trying to guess what the surprise was. And asking questions about it. "What is it??", "Where are we going??". I just smiled and giggled (giggle). "It's a surprise" I replied and gave her a wink. (It's me, it's what I do). Growing tired of trying break my iron will, she turned back to the window and just smiled, that smiled she had when she knew what was up and where were headed to The Red Lobster.

We continued along the road. The way I had chosen (completely by coincidence) lead us past an old white warehouse. It had been abandoned for years, kids played paintball in it. It was also featured in the classic film Karate Cop. As we neared the warehouse, I notice that someone had spray painted something alone the ENTIRE side of the building. I looked over at Jen, she was still in pre Lobster bliss and was looking out her window.

Now picture this giant white building and along the entire side someone (not I) had spray painted in huge red letters... "I HEART JEN" (they didn't spell out heart, they painted a heart). And as we neared it, I giggled (again) and pointed at it and said to my Jen, "Look".

Well she turned, and after a moment her eyes focused on the huge red lettering.....

"OH MY GOD!!".... "THAT"S AWESOME"... "THAT"S THE COOLEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN!!" "I LOVE YOU!" .. . (she thought that, that was the surprise and that I had done that for her.... awkward! So how did I responded... what was the door I opened....

... I smiled and said "I love you too".... needless to say had hot sex that valentines day....

And one to rule them all...

So I have this ring, it was a Christmas present from an ex-girlfriend. It's the only piece of jewelry I've ever worn for more than week.

I still wear it because I honestly like it, it's titanium and a pretty bad ass piece of hand fancy-ness. Tonight while I was washing dishes, it slipped off. I put it back on and finished my dishes (yeah all 3 of them, I had saved up all week).

But here's the question I asked myself. Is it time to not wear the ring? Is this the universe's way of saying your done with that part of your past, your ready to move on, your finally ready to live for yourself and whatever possibilities lie ahead?

... or does it just not fit anymore? Oh Universe, you slutty little temptress!!!

P.S. I'm gonna duct tape it for now..... LOOPHOLE.

I wonder....

If you did a comparison against how far we as a people have (in general) turned away from God (and organized religion) and the amount of new "mental disorders" we have now a days, what you would find?

With the amount of commercials I see advertising depression meds or anxiety meds or how many people we know who have/had gone to see therapists (no offense).... just makes me think..

that and I have way too much free time in my life and no purpose....

Now I've started this blog I can't stop,

I feel that I can honestly say that I can't see myself changing in LA, that in 5 years I'd still be here, still working a job that pays me money, and nothing else.....but what about my dreams of being an actor? Not that I've done anything in the last 4 years or EVEN attempted to do so. FUCK... I need to make some major and permanent changes in my life and soon.

Whats the point of living in a town that you have grown to despise in the last decade? What's the point of trying to do something, that you really love (or at least used to) if you have no desire to do it where you are,or hell maybe even at all because .... well because you've seen the wizard, you've seen behind the curtain, and it's not that it's pretty cause believe me one thing this town has got is pretty. It's just not what you want to be a part of.

I'm pissy!

I get really tired of "experts" not even seeming to give any idea/thought/concern (even from someone who has lived with his body and the rare disease for 38 years) a second thought. Especially for a rare disease that not much is known about in the first place!

From the research I have done blood pressure CAN AFFECT the eyes. ESPECIALLY THE RETINAS, so in mind if a medication is designed to affect the blood pressure, it could in the rare instance (like CHM) affect the eyes. ESPECIALLY the retinas which in the case of CHMers are already damaged!!!

It's frustrating to not even get a "maybe" or at least a honest "not enough research has been done on that yet"

I'm already out..........

Better Man

The main problem I see with being the better man, the bigger person, making "the right choice", doing the right thing, holding your tongue, "not going there"....

Is, most of the time, you're the only one who knows you did it.

SO......

So I've been working 12 plus hour days for basically the last month AND have been working for the last 10 days straight. So needless to say I am completely exhausted.

It's 11:00 pm and our main character steps into a run down dive bar and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....................................

Here's a little ditty....

So let me tell you a story about a man.... I'll call him "Tad", now Tad has a job that he has done for about 10 years, he doesn't really love this job nor does he really hate this job... he just does this job. Manly because it's kinda a cool job to have. But Tad is starting to realize that if you going to have a job that requires 12-14 hour days, sometimes 6 days a week, you should probably really love this job. I mean you got no time to do anything else right?

But what does a man do, who doesn't know anything else? Now Tad isn't too old or too young... in fact he hasn't even reached his prime yet. Hmmmmm.....

Maybe Tad should set a date, a goal and actually stick to it, after all he really never has. Maybe this goal will be in August....

Tad has never done anything for himself, because he is too nice, to always thinking about everyone else..... Maybe Tad should think about what would really make him happy....

And Tad really needs to get laid... ummm..... He told me.

HA

Three guys are having lunch on Venice boardwalk, when an extremely hot woman in a bikini walks by...
Man 1: " Man if I was a hot chick, I would never leave the house, just sit around and play with my tits all day!"
Man 2: " Yeah! I would just lay on the bed fingering myself for hours!"
Man 3: " Yeah, I know what you mean, if I was a hot chick, I could fuck any guy I wanted to!"

WTF.....

OK, the latest chapter: This same woman who I've been "dating" for about a month, who I finally maybe realized there just was just nothing there confused me again!!!! And of course I had just pretty much written it off to a life/love lesson, and you know not make the same mistake twice.

As yo may or may not know, we mostly text message each other, mostly because we both work crazy long hours and just can't hold a lengthy conversation. So she texted me this morning, saying basically I hope your day goes better then your yesterday, I replied yes, and that was pretty much it. So skip forward to about 5, I have a free moment and just text her a simply smiley face to brighten her day, she replies back the same. All cool, no confusion.... yet

So around 7ish she texts me "slaving sexy?", and that puts a smile on my face, I reply with a C level joke about wearing a slave loin cloth, she replies for "pics please!", I reply I'll see what I can do. And I text her a "kiss' icon, she replies with a smiley face and a kiss icon. YAY, right? So I get to the gym and text her, are you gonna be home/awake in like 45 minutes, because she was still at work. She replies she doesn't know yet. OK no worries, mate. That was at 10pm, she finally texts me back at 1130pm this "bed bye baby". WTF?????

I'm getting a little frustrated but it's still a "fun" one.....

Nothingness or retardedness.....

So I've been "kinda" dating this woman for about a month or so. And I'm beginning to think that there's nothing there. And that freaks me out, I mean in 38 years of life, and 20 or so of dating, I have never been in this situation... it's weird. I mean in the past it was always something.... common interests.... common background... great fuck. But now it's like her and I are both trying so hard to make something there, a spark. Which until today, never really thought of, or even thought it mattered.

And I'm not really sure if that's it, or I'm just out of practice or maybe my last relationship fucked me up more than I realized....

And this really does blow my mind, because she's very attractive and a very interesting person... but she likes to be chased, for the man to do all the stuff, which I'm cool with, but you know honestly... I like being chased too. If you want to grab my hand, kiss me, want me to come over and hold you... tell me. Don't be too coy. Just say it. I mean I have to admit, I am a big dumb animal sometimes... but come on.

Of course it could be that I just missed the "boyfriend" window and it's now shut... but all I can say about that is see big dumb animal line from earlier.

And I also feel sometimes that we're that we're just too different, I mean she an ADULT, got a great job that she loves, a great apartment, and she's looking for someone to compliment that, while I have a job, that's well just a job, a nice apartment full of crappy furniture....

So either there's nothing there... or I'm just retarded.... guess that would depend on which one of my friends you ask.

Things.....

Things I'm not scared of...

Rejection...
Failure....
Death...
Going Blind...
Being Alone...
Not achieving my full potential...
Not learning from past mistakes....
Learning from past mistakes...
Change...

Yeah... I'm NOT afraid of these....

... Right?

Songs....

You ever had a song come on just at the right time...

in your day....

in your life ...

in your minute....

I did...

the Frames...

"People get ready"...

what makes it even better...

it's on my purchased list in my itunes...

on my computer.

and I don't remember buying it ...

or ever having heard it before....

... cool.

Being a Man...

So apparently in the last few years, even though I'm getting older, I've forgotten how to be a man. I know what you're thinking (my one reader) "I could of told you that years ago...ya fag!". Now I don't mean liking football, or knowing how to rebuild a transmission or even knowing how to rewire a kitchen lamp... I mean that women, most women still want to be taken care of. They want to know that the person they like is planning something for them, is making an effort to show them how much they like them.

Of course, in my defense (or my excuse) I have never dated a WOMAN, and I mean someone who really has their shit together. You know someone you see and you ask yourself "Self? What have I been doing for the last 10 years? Also another excuse is I've never dated a woman my age, you know all my past women in my life were at least 5-7 years younger, and (it seems to me anyway) that they're still in that phase of life where they "don't need no man to take care of them" "I don't need you to do that for me"

I have always had issues with my "niceness", I'm basically a really nice person, nice guy. And I have always kind of had an issue with this "niceness" being looked upon as a weakness, not sure really why that is. Think that's one reason why I work out the way I do, to make up for this weakness I have of being nice. I mean, if I can bench press 300, curl 140, do 300 - 500 crunches a day... I got to be a MAN, cause not everybody can do that. Hmmm ..... it's kind of like the show Kung Fu, he was a man of peace and a "nice guy" but he was a man too. I don't know, maybe I need to take some martial arts or something.

Now the real question is .... do I salvage this one... or just move on taking the lesson with me....

... She did say that she thinks I'm really hot!!!!!! :-)

Hmmmmmm

So Let me describe myself, I'm 5'11 and about 170lbs, I have a full or twin size bed, which ever is bigger... so I pretty much take up it all (when I sleep alone... Ahhhhh yeah ladies)

... so how is it possible that I can still wake up on the WRONG FUCKING SIDE!?!????!?!??!!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?

Youth is wasted on the young

I am so amazed at how well I've aged. I feel like I am a fine wine, everyday, month, year I get better. Guess I should thank my parents, good genes and all. Don't even mind the hairline anymore, the eyes though.... I'd trade them in.

But I do agree with one thing...

Youth is wasted on the young.

Oldie but Goodie

OK so there's these two doors.... you heard this story before I know.... Behind one is, well happiness you know everything you ever wanted and behind the other door is., well the opposite, misery, pain, suffering etc, etc, etc, blah, blah, blah.... And of course the kicker is you don't which is which. And what ever door you chose you have to walk through and deal with forever.

Well, I tend to be the person who stands in front of both doors trying to decide which one to pick, analyzing each door, analyzing each choice, contemplating what would happen if I open door A and then the same for door B, then I get frustrated have a nap and do it again... forever.

When I should realize "Hey whatever is behind the door is behind the door" but for the time being I actually have both.... happiness and unhappiness. HA.

Tell me something I don't know about you.

OK let me catch you up, I've been dating Paula for about 3 months, we're in the bath together - what? I dig baths.

"tell me something I don't know about you" she said. You mean like just some fact you don't know or like something meaningful or like do you mean like something that I'm hiding from you because I think if you find out you'll leave? I do my patented charming laugh... hoping it works. She gives me that look, all us men know this look it's somewhere in between Regina King in JERRY MAGUIRE and your mom catching you with your hand in the cookie jar. Well now I just feel awkward mentioning my mom when I'm in the bathtub with this girl. But anywho...

Now you better start talking, as she pulls slightly away in the tub. Great, well guess I'm not getting any tonight now, but maybe I can still salvage things. "Well... I begin, you know how I mention I can't see really well at night.. and in the dark.

Yeah

Well it's because I have a genetic eye disease, that's caused me to lose a lot of my peripheral vision and my night vision... and may eventually lead to complete blindness.... can you turn on the hot water it's getting chilly in here. Another charming laugh as she stares at me, not turning on the hot water by the way.

Are you kidding?

Yeah, the water's fine.

I should just got ask her out. I mean... I think she's into me.... Man!! C'mon just do it. Suck it, be a man, cowboy up... all that shit!! Just don't think, DO!! She just got in the elevator, if you take the stairs you can catch her at the front door of the building. OK I'm doing it. As I head over to the stairwell, I see Fred out of the corner of my eye, DAMN IT not today Freddie I got shit to do. "Hey you coming over tonight?" Yep I say in mid stride I'm bringing the beer. He totally tries to give me a high five but I don't even notice. Hit the door to the stairwell and .... RRRRRIIIIIIINNNGGGG, it was alarmed. Oh well too late now might as well keep going. It's completely empty, typical no one uses the stairs anymore.

I grab the handle at the bottom floor and grimace for the alarm... nothing. They must have switched it off. Just as I exit the doorway, I see her unloading from the elevator with a herd of others. She totally looks at me, smiles and does that half wave thing you do when you find some one of the opposite sex kinda cute but you've never really talked to them. I, in return, do the male version of this, the "sup" nod. She heads for the revolving door at the main entrance. I casually follow, nothing to see here, not a guy about to half his ego crushed, which I don't even think is the worst part, the worst part is the "water cooler talk" the next day, you know where all the women chat, and you become that creepy guy who asks every women out. But I gotta go for it. As she exits the revolving door, her bag gets caught in between the door and wall thing. She drops it and papers, cell phone, makeup goes flying. NOW'S MY CHANCE!

I quickly march up to her and bend over to help her out. "Oh Thanks, Jim" Holy shit she knows my name!! This a good sign, don't screw it up. "Sure, no problem" I say, I'm working up to it! As she loads up her bag, and I help her with a few of the seeming endless supply of pens she has, she says "Got any big plans for the weekend?" Ummmm... "Not really" I reply, I am totally going to do it, I am going to ask this girl out!. "Me either.... I heard there is this new Boorinski film playing at the cinema" She said cinema... I say cinema. YES! THIS IS A SIGN! "Um yeah it's supposed to be his best one yet" I reply, and then she just kinda stands there... looking at me.

You know that moment when you're on a date with someone new, and it's nearing it's completion and everything went great and on both your minds is that first kiss, the nervousness, the excitement, the ANTICIPATION!!! YES! I was living all of it, from all time, every first kiss ever was now building up in my heart, in my mind, in my soul. As she stood there staring at my with her amazing blue eyes. I was a hero.

... Until I opened my mouth. "Did you get those SR-22 forms done?" She stands there for a second, I think the best word to use is... Stupefied, yeah that's the perfect word. She stood there STUPEFIED "...Yeah... they're on my desk." She turns and heads away. And I just stand there... staring... watching... waiting ... for the goddamn sky to fall in on me... but I did steal one of her pens.

Well hello 15600, she said as I enter the mess hall. Thank you I replied, feeling awkward cause that's what I always say, usually. Doesn't make much since now but it was my quickest response. And because I don't know her number yet, isn't that the most awkward thing, when someone knows your number and you don't know theirs? I mean you don't want to say the wrong number, I've done that before and talk about awkward, you try to play it off as a joke but it never works.

I grabbed my tray of food and headed to my assigned table. Sat down in my assigned seat and stared at my "food". A green cube, a brown cube and a purple-ish one. Mmmmm... just like mama used to make. Since the guards didn't allow talking at chow time, 13493 and 12333 and I had develop eye signals. If 13493 want to trade his red cube for my green cube he would simply blink twice and motion at it, and if I was open to said trade agreement I would blink once and cough. Likewise if 12333 didn't want to trade, which she never did she would simply stare away.

So after our signals, 13493 and I covertly traded our cubes, we began to consume. Now 12453 says that he can tell the flavor difference between the red and blue cubes, but it all tastes like green to me. I know everybody says that, but its true.

After dinner we head through the hall, back to the main room. 19999 flips on the TV set, not sure why they gave us a remote, there's only one station play the same thing over and over. "You are heroes", "You are good citizens" and my personal favorite "You will go down in history". I mean honestly a number in a book and that's supposed to be enough... ah well.

We all sit around, staring at the clock. It's almost six pm. Almost time. I find myself staring at 10000. She is amazing, her hair, her eyes and a great ass. She's quite the tall drink of water. I thought caught her the other day staring back at me, but turned out she was looking at 12009, he works out. A lot. Fat lot it'll do him, we're all in the same boat.

5:59 close still. The P.A. system starts to crackle, a hush falls across the room. Oh man I still get a little nervous at this time. You think I'd be used to it by now. The P.A. crackles a second time, and now the room gets, like morgue quiet... how appropriate. I stare again at 10000, if my number is called I'm gonna go say something to her. I'm just gonna do it, then I start thinking call my number, call my number....I can finally tell her how I feel.

"14500"..."14500"... ""14500" blares out of the speaker...I feel... relief, God I'm such a chicken shit sometimes. 14500 seemed like a nice guy, didn't really ever talk to him, but he has a nice face. You know doesn't look like a douche. Well off you go 14500, into the history books.

And I get another day to say something to 10000... yeah right!

Conversation: My gym membership number

Subject: Cute Receptionist

The shrapnel tore through the outer metal sheets of the hand built shed, like... well like shrapnel tearing through cheap ass metal sheeting thrown together in a hurry. Luke grabbed his rifle and fired to shots at the leader of the horde, his first shot goes wide, the second hits it's mark, the undead dentists head explodes in a bunch of reddish goo. Luke yells out " They got the propane tank this time!" as he reloads his weapon, Laura runs up beside him and stares out the window. "Well you slowed them down for now", she watches as the remainder of the horde feast on the bits of flesh of their leader.

"Yeah but for how long"...

So, I guess writing these after a root canal and listening to Willie Nelson, isn't as productive as I thought.

Why is it that when you stop caring about something, that's when it happens or seems to happen. I hanging out with some friends last night, and we got onto that topic. I guess it's like the saying "a watched pot never boils" which is really crap because it does. And it actually takes about the same time if you weren't watching it. I know from experience, what can I say I have a lot of fee time. It's like in relationships, you don't want to seem TOO available, which I just don't get anymore, maybe it's bullshit. I mean if you find me interesting and I find you interesting, and we want to get to know each other better, why should I not contact you just to say HI. I mean, there really is nothing that puts a warmer feeling inside you than to know someone is thinking of you. And this could be anybody, man, woman, mother, father, cousin so on. It's like smiling at a stranger, well actually that might be weird and dangerous.

But back to the topic, when you stop caring about something, and I'm not talking about caring about the sick or the poor or even baby seals. I mean... I honestly have no idea what I mean. I said I was going to write everyday and dammit I am. So blah, blah, blah.... I am so distracted tonight, so read on my one follower....SUCKA. These well become my morning pages. Write write write. Is it possible to be completely bored with yourself. Yes, yes it is good sir. My attention span has become that of the average commercial, so bored sometimes I can't even watch a movie, now that's bored. Alright go team me!

Conversation Subject: How much unused closet space I have in my apartment.

Person: Joyce S.

I started off early in the morning, heading west. The sun burning a hole in my back, my sherpa guide Eillor's pack loaded down with supplies and some sundries. We walked for what seemed like hours, no change in scenery. The vast open white tundra stretched out before us and behind us. It had been my goal reach the peak of Mt. Walkin by night fall. Then to explore the vast uncharted area of Closettania, and whatever lies beyond it.

I was determined to find the missing exploratory teams... or what remained of them. The latest being my brother, Nitsuj, he had said goodbye to my mother and me six months ago, headed out on a six week journey. Never to return. His dream was to find the ocean on the other side. I alone believed in his mission. As children, our Great Grandfather had told us stories of see the end of it all, the place where the "whiteness ends". It was the most perfect thing he had ever seen.

We decided to make camp for the night at the edge of the Grand Crack, where two of the great continental boards met up. It was home for the night and it was safe... or so we thought.

We made a small fire, and cooked our ration of spam, mmmmm spam. Just like my mother made for me, not as crunchy as her cornbread but filling non the less. As we sat and watched the embers from our fire float off into the white sky, we heard something....something wonderful.... something magical.... something coming from the bottom of the Great Crack. It was music. Wonderful, beautiful music (not that Jonas brothers crap) floated up and surrounded us.

As Eillor and listen to the wonderful tunes, our bodies began to twist and turn in strange new ways, that some how managed to defy gravity itself. As our popping and locking reach it's frenzied conclusion, out from the Great Crack a tribe of Pygmy Maoris (natives to this land) Pale and tiny (kinda like Robert Pattinson)emerged. And with them was my brother Nitsuj.

Nitsuj, sat with me for hours telling what had happen over the last six months. He had fallen into the Great Crack and broken his pinky finger. He team had left him, after getting really bored. The pygmies had taught him their ways and even made him their leader, cause he was taller. He told me to go home and "Tell mom I hate spam... and I'm gay."

I headed back in the morning... never to see my brother again. The "empty whiteness"... never ended.

1st Blog and rules

OK so for a New Year's resolution I've decided to write more, so to help me with that I'm going to write a blog everyday for the rest of the year, not sure if it's possible but going to give it my all.

The rules I've made up are these:

1. All of my blogs will be stream of consciousness, meaning I will not/have not thought about these before I start to write them (I will be spell checking them, I have recently gotten so annoyed with poor spelling, poor grammar I'm fine with but spelling, people we have SPELL CHECK plus dictionary.com use these.)

2. The blogs will be based on something in a conversation I had with a person during that day. I will not ask for ideas, nor will I except them. This will also help me be more social as I tend to box myself in my own little world sometimes.

So I will start my first official blog later tonight, as I have to go have "coffee" with a friend. The best part is, I don't even drink coffee.

WTF

I dont know.